Moments when "it" hits you.

Miss Addy is very sick. She has a ridiculously high fever and is listless. I have been enjoying cuddling and rocking her in our rocking chair, she just snuggles right in and dozes off and on, I think these last couple days I will remember always. She keeps on saying "wo ai ni, Mama" with so much trust and love that it nearly breaks my heart.

I was talking to someone on the phone, and they asked "Is she always like this when she's sick?"

Well I couldn't answer that, could I? I honestly don't know! This is the first time she has been truly sick, since she has come home! We don't know how often she gets sick, or how sick she truly gets because we have only known her for 6 months! And as I think of that it breaks my heart. When she got sick in China, was she cuddled, loved on, had her temperature checked regularly and given her favorite juice to drink? Did she get sick often? Did she feel loved and nurtured when she was sick? Or did she feel scared and abandoned? As we have been home longer and longer I struggle with these "trivial" questions. Isn't a mom supposed to know these things about her child? I usually laugh it off and say something silly to hide my horror at not knowing what my sweet little girl likes when she is sick, scared, in a new situation etc. But its not funny, its tragic. I only hope that I can be who she needs me to be. And that Howard and I can teach her to turn to the Lord for her every need, when we fail.

So I guess in this odd weird way, I am treasuring the fact that she is sick, and I can be her mom and nurture her through this sickness. We can learn what helps her when she is sick and what doesn't. And we can teach her through our actions, not just our words that our family truly does love her! I am amazed and in awe of how all the other kids want to help her, play toys while she lays on my lap, bring her sippee with water, read her stories, give her hugs and nurture her as much as I do. I can see the love and compassion they have for their little sister and it makes my heart sing. Especially with Riley, she has hardly left Addison's side. I have to say their relationship has been extremely rocky lately, so to see this encourages me that a special bond will be forged with these two girls who God meant to be sisters.